DONT BE LAZY: READ THE DAMN THING!

>>A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!"<<

>What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.<

>Okay... three guys go to heaven(name1),(name2)&(name3) they enter and St. Peter tells them the only rule in heaven "The only rule in heaven is to not step on a duck," So they thought to themselves this should be easy... they walk in and the floor is covered in ducks like it was alomost impossible not to step on one... After an hour (name1) steps on a duck. St. Peter comes to him and says "You have broken the rules... you will have to be punished...," the punishment was horrible! (name1) was forced to marry a hideous woman. A day later(name2) steps on a duck. St. Peter comes to him and says "You have broken the rules... you will have to be punished...," (name2) like (name1) was forced to marry a hideous woman. A year later (name3) has remarkably not stepped on a duck. One day St. Peter comes and tell him "You have gone one whole year without stepping on a duck... therefore you should be rewarded. A beautiful woman comes out and they were forced to get married. He thought 'WOW! What did I deserve this for,' Then the woman says to him "I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck!"<

>How does Mr. Potato Head know which one of his dates is a prostitute? It's the one that says, "Idaho".(get It? I-Da-Ho)<

>When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.<

>why did the man stare at the orange juice carton? cuz it said concentrate!<

>Arnold S. has a long one, Mike J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, the pope has one but never uses it, the president has one and uses it all the time...What is it?...It's a last name what were u thinkin of?! LOL <

>two guys are walking through the desert when they find a lamp. out comes a genie and he tells them to make 3 wishes. the 1st guy says "i wish all the women in town loved me" the genie grants his wish. the 2nd guy says "i wish i had a motorbike" the genie grants his wish. the 1st guy then says "i wish all the women in the country loved me" the genie grants his wish. the 2nd guy then says "i wish i had a wide screen TV" the genie grants his wish. the 3rd guy then says "i wish all the women in the world loved me" the genie grants his wish. the 2nd guy then chuckles and says "i wish he was gay!"<

>*~how do u make a klenex dance? put a lil boggie in it!!!~*<

>why did the turkey cross the road ... to prove he wasn't a chicken<

>How do you keep a dummy in suspense for 24 hours?.....I'll tell you tomorrow on msn    .Ask.<

>A teacher walks around the class room and tells them that she wants them to close there eyes and shes gonna put a object in there mouth and she wants them to tell her what it is...she comes to a boy and puts a hershey kiss in his mouth and asked him what it was he said..hmmm..im not sure and she said heres a hint its a thing your dad wants from your mom before he goes to work..a little girl in the back screams "SPIT IT OUT IT'S A PICE OF ASS!"<

>There was a brunette jumping over rail road tracks saying 28, 28, 28,... a blonde walks up to her and says what are you doing.. the brunette says I'm jumping over the railroad tracks saying 28, 28, 28,.. the blonde said.. well that looks fun I think I'll do it too.. so they both jump over the railroad tracks saying 28, 28, 28.... the a train comes the brunette jumps off but the blonde dies.. when the train passes the burnette starts jumping over the railroad tracks saying 29, 29, 29...<

>I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger and BIGGER... Then it hit me.<

×Why was the Egyptian boy confused? His Daddy was really a Mummy!!!×

>What do you get when you cross a snowman w/ a vampire? Frost bite<

>How do you know a blonde is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she is looking for her pencil    (ouch)<

>What did the vegetarian priest say at mass? "Lettuce Pray"
Why did the toliet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.<

>A baby was born with one leg...What did her mother name her?...ANSWER: Ilene     (i Lean..)<

>How do you annoy an archaeologist? Give him a tampon and ask them what period it came from!!<

>There was an englishman, an irishman and a scottishman on the run from the police, they ran down an alley and found three sacks, so they each jumped in one. The police followed down the alley and decided to kick the bags to see if they were in there so they kicked the first one with the englishman in it, "meow" he said, they decided to leave it alone n went to the second one, "woof" said the scottishman and so they went to the last sack, when they kicked it the irishman just said "potatoes!"<

>Why don't chicken wear underwear? Because their pecker is on their face<

>Its better to be pissed off then pissed on.<

>There was this old lady who bought a house, she wanted to name it, so one day she was sitting outside on her porch and heard two boys screaming at eachother, and the one boy said "you big hairy butt", so she named her house Big Hairy Butt. Then the next day she bought a cat, she wanted to name it, then she was outside gardening and stepped on a stick and it went crack, so she named her cat Crack. Then one day she lost her cat, so she went to her neighbors and said "I looked all around my Big Hairy Butt and couldn't find my Crack". <

>A Blonde was crying in her office.. her boss walks by and says.. whats wrong.. shes says .. i just found out my mom died.. he goes do u need some time off she goes no its okay.. and 2 hours later he walks by again and she is crying again and he goes whats wrong.. and she goes .. i just found out my sisters mom died too!!!!! <

>there were three singers in an eleavator Shaggy shania twain and britney spears, someone farted shaggy said wasn't me shani said dont empress me much and britney said opps i did it again. the next day they were in an elevator someone farted again shaggy said Wasnt me shania said dont empress me much and britney said stronger then yesterday!<

>want to hear a dirty joke? i jumped in mud... clean joke? i took a bath with bubbles..... dirty joke? bubbles is the girl next door!<

>Why can't you hear Bunnies screwing? Because they have cotton balls!<

>One day a girl finds a magic genie in a bottle. The genie tells the girl that he will grant her one wish. She thinks really hard about what her one wish will be. Finally, she gets out a map of the world and tells the genie all she really wants is peace in all the mid east countries. The genie says "lady, they've been fighting forever, there's no way even a wish could make them stop. Is there anything else you want?" So she says, "Well, i always wanted the perfect man. One who could fulfill all my needs." The genie rolled his eyes and said " Geez, give me the damn map." <

>What's the mating call of the townie? "I'm *sooo* drunk!" <

>Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter", he replied. He reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster?" "Vell", replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie". "You haff a genie?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box", said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. The friend says, "Hey Dere! I'm a good friend of your master.Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said. So Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves Sven standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million bucks - not ducks!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do you really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?<

>this girl went out to her dad who was watering the garden and said, daddy whats sex, so he thought well if she's old enough to ask she's old enough to be told. So he told her bout the birds and bees. After he'd finished she looked so astonished ans he asked her why she asked him. She said coz mummy asked me to come and tell you thats dinner will be ready in a couple of secs<

>If you were dying outside of a corner store, what would you buy??? Answer... A pack of life savers!!! lol:p<

>A mother was sitting in her garden and her first child went up to her and asked "mom why do i have my name?" and she said "because when i was pregnant with you i was sitting in the garden and a rose fell on my stomach so i named you Rose" so then her other child went up to her and said "mom why do i have my name?" and she said" because i was sitting in the garden and a daisy fell on my stomach so i named you Daisy" so then her other child comes up and said "mom why do i have my name?" and she said "shut up Cynderblock i dont want to talk to you".(for those of u who arn`t familiar with "cynderblock..because i didnt ...it is a brick)<

>Why go to high school when you can go to school high?<

>What happen to the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine? It wooden go<

>Why did Snoop Dawg need an umbrella???? * FO DRIZZLE * HAHAH<

>The blonde was so dumb she though General Motors was in the army<

>*~Artificial intelligence is NO MATCH fo natural stupidity!~*<

>WhAt DiD 50 CeNt SaY tO hiS gRaNdMoThEr wHeN hE gOt a KniTtEd SwEaTeR fOr hiS bIrThDaY?? ([GeE-u-KniT])<

>Money talks. And it usually says goodbye to me.<

>Some guys say, "Suck on it" but I say, "Sorry, I choke on small objects"<

>( throw cheerios on the floor and step on them )...look im a cereal killer!!!<

>¤*¤~YOUR MOM IS SO STUPID SHE TRIPPED OVER A CORDLESS PHONE~¤*¤<

>there r 2 muffins in the oven. one muffin says 2 the other muffin, "it sure is hot in here." the other muffin says "AAAAAAAHHH! A talking muffin!"<

>there are 3 guys. their nicknames r shut up, trouble and manners. well one day trouble got lost and manners and shut up went to the police station. manners stayed outside. the police officer asked shut up wat was his name and he said shut up. the police officer asked one more time wat is ur name he said shut up and the police officer goes where r ur manners? shut up says manners is outside. and the police officer looked at him and said r u looking for trouble and he said yes, have you seen him?<

>Knock Knock whos there? You. You Who? AHH CLOSE THE DOOR!<

>where'd chingy get shot @.... right thurr right thurr!!!<

>How do you get holy water? You boil the hell outta it<

>Knock Knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Cargo: "beep, beep!"<

>Yo mama's so stupid, I told her Xmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.<

>Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.<